Same Old Story

Hey y’all, how have you been? I’ve got something on my mind tonight that I need to write out. Yeah, it’s the age-old familiar theme that pervades my blog! (Sorry folks)

I never want a friend to ever ask me AGAIN if I’ve tried online dating. Yes, I’ve tried online dating for years. No, I haven’t had any success or even potential success. I had always relied on friends for companionship and a sense of belonging, but as my friends all got married and had kids, I’ve had to adjust how I view those two things. I’d like to find someone for a serious relationship, but it’s not easy at my ripe old age of 31.

Online dating goes in stages for me: optimism, impatience, false hope, then discouragement. I am optimistic every time I send a message to a woman; I probably value myself too highly already. Impatience quickly shows up when I end up waiting for a response…and waiting…and waiting. I cling to the false hope that the next time will be different. Not long after that, discouragement seeps in when no-one responds. I put myself out there for the first step, a leap of faith if you will, and continually remain ignored. I don’t like rejection – does anyone really? – but I always prefer a blunt and honest “no” to being ignored.

Online dating creates a false reality where people judge others like objects, like one bad characteristic negates anything good. Personality is a difficult thing to show with online dating, but it can be done. The problem is that personality rarely matters online — it’s all about physical appearance. People will always take a chance on someone they find attractive. The reasonable inference for ignoring my messages is that I’m not attractive enough to take that chance. It’s frustrating, discouraging and I don’t know why I keep persisting.

So, what should I do? I’ll take any and all advice. Fire away!

Acceptance

I try to not care what people think of me, but it rarely works out that way. I want people to find happiness and fulfillment, and sometimes I try too hard to be a people-pleaser. Giving them what they (think they) want never ends well, at least for me.* I’ve dealt with depression since I was a teenager, and I’ve been judged by others as if I chose depression and deserved the consequences. That is miserable to experience and I started believing I was broken or damaged goods, and unworthy of someone’s love. I won’t make excuses for my stupid words and actions, but a little understanding and compassion goes a long ways. Normalcy is a fallacy and I’m learning to embrace who I am, whether others are willing to accept that or not.

Andy Richter – Depression

 

*See literally all my failed relationships.